mother and daughter as friends
I recently saw this Facebook meme:
My promise to my kids~I am not your friend…..I am your Mother. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE U! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult. You will… NEVER find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than I do! Repost if you are a parent and agree.
Hmmmmm, really? Do we really want our children to grow up believing friends are people who say “yes” to them, and that people who love them are controlling and punitive?
I work hard to have a loving connection with my children. The last thing I want to be is their stalker or their worst nightmare, but given the number of times I saw this posted as a status, not everyone agrees. I get it; people have the impression that if you’re friends with your children that you let them do whatever they want — party with them, drink with them, get into trouble with them. But that’s an awfully narrow definition of friend — and not necessarily the definition of “friend” I want my children to have.
I try to be an example of the friend I want my children to be to others, and also of the kind of person I want my children to be friends with:
I am a leader. I think hard about the decisions I make so they’re good ones, even if they’re not popular. I want my children to surround themselves with thinking people — the ones who will say no to drugs or getting into a car with a drunk driver. It’s a lot to ask of anyone to make good decisions all the time, but it’s not too much to ask for them surround themselves with people who make good decisions most of the time.
I set boundaries. I don’t want my children to be givers or takers — I want them to be both. I want them to be generous, but I also want them to be honest when they need something. I want the people around them to be the same way, so no one feels taken advantage of or used. Friends need open and honest dialogue.
I am kind and gentle. Friends don’t hit each other, and they apologize when they get upset or frustrated.
I listen. Yes, I need to guide my children, but before I can tell them where to go I need to know where they’re coming from. My children want to be heard, even when they say disturbing or careless things. Most of the time, they just need a safe place to say those things without judgment or action. I want to be the person they come to, and I want them to be a safe place for others too.
I am their mentor. I want all my children’s friends to be people they admire and people they can learn from. Every relationship should add something to our lives, and it should start at home.
I respect them. I learn so much from my children, and I want them to be comfortable around people who learn from them too. Even though my children are my responsibility to feed, clothe, and keep safe, they have so much to teach me. I want them to be confident in their relationships with people of authority, so I show them how valued they are.
As a mother, I’m more than a friend to my children, but our relationship starts with friendship, and it’s a model of friendship I want them to carry with them throughout their life. If I never show them friendship, how will they know how to be a friend? How will they know what kind of friend to be?
I’m so proud to call my children my friends, and I hope that one day many people will be proud to call my children their friends too.
Photo credit: rossaroni on Flickr
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for this post Suchada! I’ve seen that on FB too, and while it may be good for a laugh, it is SO not true, at least for me!
I agree with you. I don’t think we have to be stalkers and controlling to be parents and we can certainly be friends with our children without being immature or a poor example. I think the best way to educate and nurture a child, teen or adult child is to be a their friend AND parent. Both are neccessary to guide them throughout life.
Anastasia, so true that we can be friends without being immature or a poor example. It makes me wonder what kinds of friends people who come up with this have . . .
Beautifully said, Suchada. The stalker/bloodhound acts out of fear and desperation rather than trust for her child, which is no way to carry on a healthy relationship and the last thing a child needs from her parents. Yes, children need us to be leaders — gentle, kind, trusting ones — leaders who model believing the best in others. Then children grow up to be gentle, self-confident, positive role models with their friends, too. It has to begin with a parent’s trust.
Janet, I look to you and others who have older children and good relationships with them as examples of the kind of parent I want to be. You’ve demonstrated how you can be a good role model and a friend, and it’s a much happier and more balanced model. Thank you for inspiring me!
Suchada, you are so welcome. And you inspire me, too! If our children can’t count on us as friends, who can they count on? That Facebook mom reminds me of an expression my mom used all the time… “With friends like that, who needs enemies?”
I’ve seen this several times over the past year and have never copied and pasted to my status because it didn’t represent either my sentiments or my husband’s. The stalking and driving you insane, etc. descriptions are too out there for me. My son has a lot of security in knowing that his parents are there for him and he knows we are watching out for him, but the stalking and insanity are too harsh. My hope is that my son always feels positive about his relationship with us. Good memories now and later. I love your picture at the top of mother and daughter on an autumn walk. I have a couple of similar ones of my husband and son.
Kay, insanity is right! I think it’s much better to demonstrate healthy relationships instead of disturbing ones.
I missed this Facebook status trend, but your post, Suchada, is brilliant. I understand what the original meme was getting at, but when I read what you wrote it takes that intention and clarifies it. You have really defined what it means to be a parent AND a friend. And you’ve done it so beautifully. Thank you.
- Gina
Thank you, Gina! I’m still working out the balance for myself, but I would find it very sad to not call myself a friend to the people I spend my whole days with.
love this. i completely agree.
Could not agree more with what you’ve written. How will children learn to respect themselves if they are never treated with respect and learn they are worthy of it?
Perhaps the FB post (and reposts) were meant tongue-in-cheek as a way of saying, “I love you so much, I’ll do all that I can to protect you.” It reads though like, “To keep you safe, I’ll do anything I have to including disrespect you.”
Jeanie, when I first read the status I couldn’t help but think of how it sounds like a deranged boyfriend and every parent’s nightmare. If my children were in a relationship with someone who said something like this to them, I would march down to the courthouse to get a restraining order. I suppose it could be tongue-in-cheek, but with so many people having a skewed vision of what love is, I just think it’s scary.
While I don’t agree with the FB post (I’ve seen it a few times too), I can’t say I agree with parents as ‘friends’. And certainly think you’re statement about your relationship with your children being built on friendship *first* is more than a little scary if you actually mean it. If parents are friends then either the kids will have a skewed view of friendship or of parenthood. A friendship is a partnership of equals. Unbalanced friendships don’t last. Yes, most friendships have something of a dominant and a submissive pairing, but that is for the comfort of those involved and has to do with people’s personalities. A friendship doesn’t survive well where there is an official or a formal dominant and submissive, for instance being friends with your boss only works until he has to order you to do something you don’t want to do or until he has to discipline you for doing something you weren’t supposed to do.
The parent-child relationship might grow towards equality, although never truly obtain it, even an adult should honor and repsect their parents as their parents and elders, but it certainly doesn’t start off that way! A 2 year old is *not* their mother’s equal, and a newborn certainly isn’t. The parent is responsible for teaching, restraining, and imparting wisdom to the child, the child is responsible for learning, growing, and obeying. If I tell my little one it’s time for bed and he says ‘no’, I might listen to him, I might talk to him about what he gets to do in the morning, I might bribe him by letting him take a toy or a treat with him, and I might even drop him in shrieking fit mode into his bed, but regardless, mom has spoken. It is bed time and he’s going to bed. I know what’s best for him, I know that if he stays up late he won’t get enough sleep and be miserable the next day. He only knows the present, he’s too young to understand the consequences of his actions. It’s my job, as parent, to do what’s best for my children, even over their objections, especially when they are very young. Now if I was spending the night at my friends house it’s certainly my friends perogative to say ‘let’s call it a night, I’m tired’, but it’s also my (or their) perogative to say ‘you go ahead to bed, I’m going to read for a while still’. If a friend demanded I go to bed because (s)he thought it was best for me to do so, we’d have a problem. That’s not friendship, or at least, it’s not a healthy friendship.
My parents and I have/had a very close relationship. We certainly loved each other and did many things that friends do, like play game, spend time with each other, share hobbies, etc, but that is all part of the parent/child relationship, it wasn’t a friendship. Nor would I have wanted it to be! I could take any problem to my parents and know I was seeking advice from an authority figure, one who had more wisdom and decernment than I and whose advice should be followed. I could take some problems to some friends and expect limited advice that may or may not help, because we were equals and their advice may or may not have any advantages over my own. It’s like the old apprentice/master relationship. The master might be nice, but he was enshrined above the apprentice for a reason, and the apprentice darn well knew to follow advice or instructions given by his master. While two master craftsmen/artisans might have a true friendship, a give and take relationship built on their mutual knowledge.
Kids are the apprentices of life, we’re the masters. They can not raise to our level (excepting through years and years of hard work and study) so any friendship with them can only be accomplished by us lowering to their level. Only problem is that leaves them without a master to follow, learn from, and grow towards. Or it leads them to believe that their friendships should not be a balanced meeting of the minds between equals.
Jespren, I agree with some of what you say, but I think you are misreading Suchada’s definition of friendship. I don’t hear her saying that being your child’s friend means NOT being the leader every child definitely needs, but rather being in your child’s corner — rooting for him, allowing him to be who he is, being a confidant and a supporter.
For years I have felt so strong about this topic that I concluded long ago that I want to write a book on the subject. So many people have skewed the concept of friends – just like we’ve skewed the period of growth and development called adolescence. Dr. Phil, Oprah, and so many more have long said “kids have plenty of friends, what they need is a parent.” I found out first hand by raising three children that the two are not mutually exclusive. Here is where I think the confusion lies…
I can’t be my kid’s “buddy.” As the author said, I can’t get on their social level and act their age. Furthermore, they can’t be my best friend. That’s a role for my peer as long as they’re growing. But I remember one time when my daughter was in middle school and had to write a essay for school about her “best friend” and she wrote about her mother – me!
One responder talked about friends “being equal” and perhaps that’s not a good equation for parents and children. But in certain terms – such as dignity, respect, creation, and getting needs met we are equal. We are not equal in terms of privilege and responsibility. But that does not in my mind equate to “less than.” All relationships do well to honor boundaries – including friends and parents and children. Looking back on my children’s lives not – they are 36, 28, and 26 – I cannot imagine sharing the journey with them any other way. Let’s stop putting fear into children and let them know that their parent can be the best friend they could ever have.
Everyone has made so many good points along with this article! I always say, you can be friendly and act as a friend but not be “friends” with your children. I think it kind of comes down to semantics for me because I agree with much of what you said you want to be for your kids but I guess I never saw that as being a friend. What a great point though that those are the qualities we all hope our childrens’ friends have! I never thought of it that way. I think the part I would switch in my case, differently from you is that I am my child’s mother first, their protector, caretaker, leader, etc. and then after the years, starting of course in the early years, end as friends. That is how I felt with my own mother–as a child, she was definitely the authority (in a good and much needed way) but now that we are both adults we have been able to truly develop a real friendship.
This was great Suchada. Why does it have to be either/or? I like that you have an “and” solution. You are a very good, loving mother – you’re kids are blessed to have you.
Thanks for this. You have gracefully put into words what I didn’t know how to say. I’ll be passing this one along.
Being a friend to your children has many layers. To the posters that say you ‘can’t be’ – is painting with a wide brush. You can’t be a ‘friend’ when your child is under 13 or so, and still immature…but when they are growing their wing feathers and learning to fly on their own, you have to begin letting go…and in that letting go is when you have to be the friend first. I have to let my children know that I have done my part to instill values, morals, and respect for themselves, and I have to allow them to stretch out on their own. I have to give a friendly reassurance that I am here when they return. This home will be their home regardless of how this or that choice turns out.
Unfortunately, my wife posted this on her facebook after she threw the 20 year old out of the house. ( I won’t share the details of that situation, but…) This FB post came across as a threat to my daughter, now fearing that her mother will continue to harass and threaten her, in spite of the fact that mom WOULD NOT let the daughter remove her personal belongs from the house…
After age 18, you have to be a FRIEND to EVERYBODY that you want a relationship with, you can’t throw down the parent card, and expect respect.
Beautifull written without judjment. Thankyou.
Beautifully written! My kids are 6 months, 5, 9, 12 and 14, and I am proud that they consider me one of their best friends along with a great mom. The fact that we have friendships beyond our mother-child roles has been one of the most important aspects in helping them become the wonderful, kind, honest, responsible, fun, good people they are.
In our case, I am their friend in terms of being someone they enjoy spending time with, someone they trust to talk to, someone they actually like and want to impress, someone who matters to them, someone who makes them laugh and feel better… none of this is a bad thing!
I am also their mother and I take that very seriously, but I’m quite happy to consider my children my friends.
Great thoughts! Thank you!
Could not agree with you more!!! I’ve raised two boys to manhood by being their friend and doing all of the things you’ve outlined above and they are the amazing people they are today in part because of that!
I think we are putting too many labels on everything. I loved the article. It isn’t either or, it is both. And the idea of superior/inferior bothers me…some of life’s greatest wisdom comes from the innocence of children. They don’t need to be “trained” like a beast; instead, we should guide their growth, encourage, discipline, and above all, love. And yes, I am happy to call my children friend. And for supper.
I agree with you completely. I know what these mothers are trying to say – you have to use more discipline as a parent than you would if you were a buddy, and I’m sure that the balance gets trickier the older the children are. But it breaks my heart to think that children, especially the little ones, might be discouraged from thinking of their parents as friends. When my two-year-old told me “Mummy, you’re my favourite friend,” it was one of the best moments ever.
LOVED this post. I shared it on my facebook site. Well said
I don’t see this as an either or. Why can’t it be a combination of both??
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