How do you find the right amount of freedom on bad days?
Boundaries are the most difficult part of parenting, for me.
Actually, they’ve been one of the most difficult parts of my whole life. When I look back to when I grew up, I can’t think of clear, consistent boundaries that I had either required of me or that I enforced myself.
I remember it causing a lot of pain, confusion, and hurt.
And I struggle with boundaries now with my boys.
Especially with my oldest, my biggest concern was showing affection. I wanted him to feel safe, secure, and loved. I understood this to mean that I was attentive and watchful — but also that he was happy (not upset and crying). During his first year, this was bliss. But as he got older, I could see something was wrong.
He wasn’t confident, and he acted out, and he doesn’t have clear boundaries with others or himself. It’s difficult to watch, knowing that I helped cause it, and struggling with how to remedy it.
Many times I feel like I have it down: we wake up to do our routine, and everything just clicks into place. The boys know what’s expected of them and they do it. We have a sweet spot of responsibility and watchfulness, and it works. We go to the park and they play well with others, then hop back in the stroller to come home when I say it’s time. We’re all happy to be around each other, and we get through the day with hardly any fuss.
But when we are sick, have been up all night for one reason or another, or the weather is bad and we can’t leave the house, things start to fall apart. It’s so much easier for me to turn on the television, pop in a movie, and keep my boys quiet so I can get things done.
The worst part about it is it turns into a cycle of frustration: easy solutions lead to misbehavior which leads to exhaustion which leads to more easy solutions. And when that happens I just feel like I’m in a rut that I can’t dig myself out of.
I want to be the mother who will always take the time to patiently just “be” with my children, but I struggle with that too.
It’s very, very difficult to balance my own boundaries, the boundaries to give the boys security, and the freedom we all need.
How do you do it?
Do you have any tips and tricks for the days when nothing works, and you just want to crawl into bed with a sheet over your head?
Photo Credit: Clarkston SCAMP on Flickr
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Once again, I could have written this myself.
Thank you for sharing it–it’s so encouraging to know that other mamas are going through this kind of thing!
I have those days too, obviously–and I’ve found that what works best is to just give into it. I am very OCD and I always feel the need to “get something done.” The gift I have given myself the last few months is to slow down and actually *be.* I struggle with it still, and often–but I think (hope) that I’m getting better.
The other thing I’ve started to do is to try and accept myself for who I am, and work within those parameters to be the best person and mother I can be, instead of trying to change myself into someone I am not. I honor my own personality traits and quirks while working hard to improve what I can, and being gentle with myself when I wander off the path. I find that when I do these things I am less stressed, and in turn my kids behave better.
It’s hard for me to keep the TV off on rainy/sick days, too–but honestly, it makes my kids happy, and gives me some much needed time to get stuff done. I think there’s such a stigma associated with it, and it’s not always necessary. Most things, when done in moderation, are usually OK. I give myself a limit (after the movie ends, the show ends, etc), and then stick to it. I don’t waste time while my kids are “busy” and then when their show is done I am ready and able to be with them.
There’s no magic formula, unfortunately.
You’ve touched on something that I think many of us without good parental role models struggle with. One thing I figured out a few months ago was to let go of the guilt. I used to feel incredibly guilty on those “bad” days because I couldn’t live up to my own mothering standards. As you mention, this just turned into a vicious cycle. Then, one day, I just decided to forgive myself and not feel guilty anymore. Instead, I thought about what I wanted to do differently and I tried to do that. Even if I made the same mistake again, I forgive myself and focus on the new attitude/behavior I wanted. I know there’s no magic formula, but for me, this sure felt like it! Even on hard days it has become easier for me to re-center myself (and set boundaries) if I let go of the mommy guilt. Yes, I still have bad days. Yes, I still fall short of where I want to be on those days. But self-forgiveness and giving up the guilt has allowed me to make more positive, lasting changes to better handle those bad days.
Still struggling with this one myself. I thought this author made a good point about balance becoming just another thing on our today lists: http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=357
I also struggle with this too and I’ve gotten really bad about using the TV to occupy my almost 2 year old twins while I have to do something else. Like make every single meal. Without the tv, the kids whine incessantly at the gate of our kitchen. Or fight over toys. Or bite/hit/injure each other. If I let them in to our tiny kitchen it’s a safety hazard… and like you said, it’s a self-propagating issue – the more tv they watch, the more misbehavior. I wonder if the only solution is to do a no tv week, so we can all remember what it is to function without the crutch… but then I’m scared that I might just step right off the edge if I tried that. Let me know if you figure out the answer!
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