My two-year-old is ready for independence.
Within reason, of course, but he’s able to venture out so much more than I had been willing to give him credit for.
I’ve been really excited about trying out some ideas I’ve learned from RIE, which recommends giving children space to explore and work things out on their own, within a framework of routine and familiarity.
So we went to a park close to our house, a place both my children enjoy going to. I sat down on the ground, plopped my 9-month-old next to me, and let my 2-yr-old have at the play structures — without me.
They were both a bit tentative at first, just checking out the surroundings, taking everything in. And then they started to explore. My younger son picked up one small stone after another, moving them from finger to finger, and hand to hand, before putting them in his mouth or back on the ground, then found another one. My older son went on the slides, ran across the bridges, climbed up on platforms, and ran his hands through the sand.
I was feeling good about our outing — excited about the ways the boys had entertained themselves — until other families showed up.
I was the only parent on the sidelines. A little girl hit my older son because she wanted to get in front of him on the slide. I waited to see what he would do. He shrugged and continued up the slide, so I stayed where I was and let him go. The other mother rushed over and admonished her daughter.
Parents ran around the equipment with their children, instructing them to do this, telling them to stop doing that.
I could see my son become overwhelmed and unsure. I became overwhelmed and unsure. I felt like other mothers were looking at me. Why wasn’t I behind him when he went up the big slide? (Because he’s the most sure-footed 2-yr-old you’ve ever seen and he’s gone up without incident hundreds of times) How could I let him climb up the monkey bars? (Same reason as before) Why wouldn’t I just push him on the swing? (Because I wanted him to find things to do where he could entertain himself, and also because I didn’t want to put the baby down to eat all the sand nearby)
I decided to just leave.
When I got home, I could see my little man was feeling down.
“Honey, you look upset.” (communication is tough at this point, because he’s not super vocal, but I hate putting words in his mouth).
“Uh huh.”
“Were you upset because there were parents on the playground?”
“Uh huh.”
“Do you wish I would run around with you like that?”
“Yes!”
“You were sad because I didn’t run around with you like the other parents did.”
“Yes!”
“I see.”
This is tough. I want to run around with him, especially if it makes him happy. I want us to spend lots of time together and be close. But I also want him to play and explore independently, and I really feel like the playground is ideal that. We have a lot of time together at home. When I saw him so down, though, I wondered if I should just forget that line of thinking when we were out and about. But then I had an idea.
“Sweetie, I didn’t run around with you on the playground because that’s your time to explore. Those things are there for you, not for grown-ups like me.”
He looked up, interested.
“We don’t need to change what we’re doing just because everyone else is doing it. You looked like you had a lot of fun on everything before the big people came around.”
He nodded.
“How about next time let’s remember all those things are for you and the other kids, not them. You don’t need to stop playing just because there are adults around. You can just say, it’s my time to play!”
“MY PLAY!!” He was clearly excited.
“Remember that you don’t need a big person to have fun.”
“I HAVE FUN!!” At this he stood up and put his hand in the air.
“You can play on your own.”
“ON MY OWN!!” He jumped at this one.
We’d figured it out. With all the other adults around, he felt like he was doing something wrong by playing without me. He thought he needed me there, because the other kids had their parents there.
At first I had been nervous that he thought I was abandoning him, but he didn’t really even want me next to him. He was so much more excited about the suggestions for ways he could do it on his own.
It’s a hard thing, to see my son looking down and unsure of himself, especially in front of other parents. It would have been so easy to just jump up and run around with him and satisfy the immediate needs. But if I had, I would have missed out on this amazing opportunity to see how independent he really is, and what he’s capable of with just a little guidance and encouragement.
I can’t wait to go back and let him try it out, all on his own.
Photo Credit: Joe Shlabotnik, on Flickr
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you Mamagoosie!
Thanks for this great, hopeful and helpful story!
Sometimes it helps to prepare a child for what will happen beforehand (maybe you did that), especially if we’re going to be behaving differently from the way we usually do. Our children naturally expect what they are used to.
I believe that “checking out the surroundings and taking everything in” before figuring out what to do is a sign of awareness and intelligence. I encourage parents in the RIE classes to be patient, relax, stay put, and give children freedom to be the ones to “separate” to go play when they are ready. Infants and toddlers appreciate this autonomy, especially since we’re usually the ones to separate from them. Sometimes a child is having a quieter day for whatever reason and needs to sit with the parent for the majority of a 90 minute class. I encourage that! I think it sends a powerful message of acceptance and trust, and is preferable to coaxing a child to play or showing him what to do. It’s the CHILD’S play time, after all.
Giving attention is vital, but when we play “with” young children, we usually end up leading them, making choices rather than waiting for them to choose. We can’t help ourselves! Then play becomes more about us and less about our children. Plus, they learn that they need to rely on us for amusement, which means we get more tired and they don’t benefit from the healthiest, most creative types of play — the imaginative, inner-directed kind.
Janet, I’m so glad you read this one.
This is actually a conglomeration of a couple of trips to the playground, and I had told the boys that I was going to take a seat and let them explore, and that I wanted my older one to stay within the park boundaries. Every trip went well until other people showed up, and the adults were close by. It took me three trips to figure out what to say or what to do about it.
Many times I think in extremes — either not saying anything and letting him to what he’s going to do, or jumping in and following him around the playground. I think the practice in narrating and taking time to observe is helping me find the “in between” solutions that are more helpful.
Thank you for the reminder to communicate (something I’m working very hard to get better at with them) and the encouragement. It’s very exciting to see us grow
Since you have your little guy there, too, and can’t be zooming in to intervene when adults do things that make the older one a little uncomfortable, tell him that he should come and check in with you as much as he needs to. Then acknowledge, “Yes, that mom got upset when her daughter pushed you, even though you seemed fine.” “That family seems to need you to give the shovel back to the boy. Can you do it yourself? If not, I’ll have to take it from you and give it to them…” Blah, blah, blah. Don’t worry about what other parents think. The honest, respectful relationship you have with your boys is far more important. I love the way you’re “growing”.
Excellent job! First in recognizing your son’s ability to be more independent and then having the courage to give it to him!
I too have gotten looks from strangers and friends when I “let” my girls play independently, and explore. You will find what is comfortable for you and your son and I am sure you will be very impressed with his ability to handle it and the confidence it gives him.
Janet is right, I know a specific example of a mother who constantly intervenes in her children’s’ playing and her older daughter (4 1/2) does not know how to play with other children, constantly needs her mother to direct her play, solve her problems. It’s sad to see. Now that she is in Pre-k her daughter is having trouble “fitting in” and the teachers are trying to teach her how to adapt and develop coping skills and she is a bright non-developmentally challenged child.
Janet, I’m feeling very proud of myself right now, because the other day my older son had a basketball that belonged to another boy, and he was very sad about giving it back. I said what you suggested above, almost word for word, and he gave it back to the boy on his own. (He had a bit of a meltdown afterwards, but we got through that too). It feels very, very good to be on the right track, and to see how much it’s helping my relationship with both my boys.
Darcie, thank you so much. Sometimes I feel a little silly when I tell my son that I’m not going to push him on the swings (especially when other mothers offer to do it for me — they probably assume I’m not doing it because I’m taking care of my little one), but when I see the ways he finds to entertain himself, it makes it worth it. The best part is that it makes the time at the park go by faster when I observe and learn about the boys instead of trying to find things for them to do myself. I appreciate the words of encouragement!
I am constantly amazed by how smart and creative my 3 yr old is when left to her own devices, and how interefering other adults can be in this process! If my girl wants a balloon from ChickFilA, she has to go over to the counter herslef, get their attention and ask for what she wants. She is excited and proud of herself when she does. But 4 times out of 5, another adult intervenes, tries to send her back to me or (once) asks the employees to call the police because I am neglecting her! Our kids are amazing… let them show us!
That’s awesome to hear Suchada! My husband is usually the one that tends to play with the older kids while I keep the baby. I like what you said because I rarely go out there with them and felt like I wasn’t being as good a mama as I could be. I also like to watch them play because my parents always tended to tell us how to play and I still see them trying to do that with my kids. There are lots of reminders to them that they’ll be ok, but it’s usually after I’m feeling really fed up with it. Hence the importance to let kids safely explore
As a 5th grade teacher I cannot begin to tell you how important it is let your children be independent learners and problem solvers. It is a very important step in learning. They have to do it themselves. Give them as many opportunities as possible–paying the bill, asking for balloons, etc. I spend a lot of time allowing students to solve their own problems. They feel good about themselves as they figure it out.
Linda, thank you. It is so helpful for me to hear from experienced mamas with wonderful children. Your encouragement makes me feel better about what I’m doing and like I’m on the right track!
I’m so glad to hear that things are going well for you with this! Exciting!
Oh, almost forgot. I also love the article you wrote for Janet’s website. I can so relate to much of what you wrote. Thank you for being so brave and putting your experience and your thoughts out there.
Thanks so much Hollie! I appreciate your kind words.
I LOVE this post. Mr. Independant 28 month old can climb, slide and spin with great ease and I like to sit on the grass watching him eagerly explore. I love watching his thought process, finding out where he heads to first without mummy guiding him. Then when he wants me to come and join the fun I am more than happy to follow HIM around. I’ve had problems, mostly concering the parents of other children feeling compelledd to step in and ‘help’ (where it was not needed nor wanted by my son).
I love the way you communicate with your children.
Brilliant post!! I really needed to read this today. I keep forgetting just how capable my very-nearly-3 year old is and i find myself ‘helicopter parenting’ him at the playground often. although to be fair, the last time i let him get on with it he practically dived off the top of the slide and landed on his head… so i think my concerns are founded, to an extent, lol.
Your post has inspired me to try to let go just that little bit more. Thank you!
Thanks so much, Imogen. I’ve definitely had my moments of helicoptering, but I’ve been amazed at how much more I enjoy being a mother when I just allow my children to do what they’re able to do on their own. And it gives me a lot more confidence as we move towards them leaving the nest — I know it’s a long way off, but I can’t help remembering that’s what all my experiences with them are actually preparing them for. I’m so glad you found my site!
Great story!
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