I’m in a bit of a parenting crisis.
Not surprisingly, sleep is our current struggle. I’ve co-slept with both my children since they were born (and loved it!), but now I’m at a point where I’m exhausted and I’m not able to be the parent I need to be during the day. It makes me look at envy at my friends who cried-it-out with their kids at four months old, who now happily go to bed at a reasonable time without a fuss or fight (even though I know that’s not something I could ever do with my own kids at that age).
Setting a boundary for me to have time to myself at night — both to get things done and sleep — is something I need, but we’re definitely feeling the pain of the transition.
Reading about RIE and how that method deals with sleep struggles has helped me a lot. Being reminded that crying is part of the struggle of growing up is really, really helpful to me. Understanding the difference between hearing my children struggle and hearing them suffer has been invaluable. It’s allowing me to work with both my toddler and my eight-month-old to get them to sleep on their own.
I had a vision in my head that staying close to both my children at night would eventually lead to a peaceful transition to them sleeping on their own. With my oldest son, that clearly was never going to happen.
A spirited child from the start, he has always made his wishes very clear.
So with the addition of boundaries comes crying.
We’re working with it. It’s very, very hard to hear him struggle, but when I listen to him, I know that it is just struggling. A very firm “it’s time to sleep now” works wonders, while close cuddling just causes angst for all of us. It amazes me that he will stay in bed and cry, even though the door is open and he knows he can come get us whenever he needs to.
I know what a softie I am, and I’ve come to terms with this. I want the world to be gentle and sweet and full of pink fluffly clouds all the time. For me, my parenting stuggle and discipline crises will always be about my struggle to set appropriate boundaries and not give too much of myself. If I’m a doormat, I set my children up to be the same.
It’s really, really hard for me to walk that line with discipline. I know that I can teach without being a bully, but I also know that to teach effectively I need a backbone as well. So I’ll put on my tough pants and keep chugging on. Hopefully now with more sleep.
Photo Credit: Toddlers for Anarchy by CarbonNYC, on Flickr”
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Good for you, and good luck to you. We’ve had a lot of success with Evan sleeping in his room all night, but he’ll slip and still come in occasionally. More often than not, one of us will walk him back to his room and that’s the end of it. He’s very good at following directions, and knows the rule is, “you can come in and cuddle in the morning after it’s light outside.” That way we all still get cuddle time, but we’re not trying to sleep with him crosswise between us all night
Hope you find something that works well for you!
We’re having sleep issues over here too. We all sleep in the same room but our toddler sleeps in his own bed while our 9 month old co-sleeps with me (and just on my side, my husband sleeps like the dead). And lately getting her to sleep at a reasonable time is extremely difficult. A 9 month old should not be going to sleep at 10pm! But, unlike my elder who sleep indepently, she wakes up as soon as I set her down. With him I could let him fuss a bit back to sleep cuz it was clearly just an angry ‘hey now!’ cry. With her though it is definately a ‘help me, where’s my mommy!’ wail. She used to sleep great, this started up about 2 or 3 months ago after she got sick, then she was teething hardcore. I’m at my wits end living on 4ish hours of sleep a night after you count her waking to comfort nurse plus her normal feedings, but I’m not willing to let her be in uncared-for distress. Good luck!
With 3 children, I’ve given this issue a lot of thought. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that real love isn’t the easy love we give, the happy, cuddly times we all enjoy. Those times are great, but that’s not what love is really about. Real love is allowing struggles, because learning to struggle is learning to live…confidently, happily, knowing we can handle the “downs” in life, not just the “ups”. It’s a powerful gift and it’s not easy to give. It’s the hardest thing for moms, because it means hearing cries. I didn’t get it and I suffered… I know my parents loved me. But feeling like I couldn’t handle hard times gave me lots of grief.
Thanks so much for the link. And, by the way, just posted another sleep/crying article…
Larissa — thanks so much for your insight! You know I’ve always felt that your son and my oldest are so similar, so it gives me hope that we can get through it!
Jespren — our sleep struggles with our 8-month-old started at about the same time. This is actually where RIE has been a complete eye-opener for me. I read posts on Janet’s site (the link in the article) that said a 6-month-old should go to bed around 5:30 or 6pm. I was extremely doubtful it would work, but starting that has completely changed my life. No more 4:30am wake-ups! Some people have said RIE and attachment parenting are incompatible, but I don’t think the philosophies are mutually exclusive. Their core messages of respect for children is the same, and I think it’s a matter of interpretation and personalities for how that actually plays out. The reassurance that I can be securely attached to my children while letting them struggle has been invaluable for me.
Janet — I appreciate your insights so much. I grew up in a similar way, and it’s been devastating to not be able to deal with the hard times. I would much rather my children learn it when they are children instead of when they’re adults (especially because adult hard times often have a much bigger impact on others as well). We’re working through bedtime and aren’t where we want to be yet, but it’s coming along. I’m going to check out your latest post now!
I also co-slept with my babies, and into toddlerhood until they were ready to move – my 1st at 3yrs, and my 2nd with strong suggestion by me (okay… mostly WE were ready), at 18months – into his sister’s room. At ages 3 & 6 they sleep soundly through the night, and we didn’t have to do any sleep training.
Of course, each child is different, as is every mother’s level of patience and ability to endure sleep deprivation!
I think it is honoring your child’s needs by telling him your expectations, desires, and at the same time giving him the freedom to make his choice (by allowing him access to you via the open door).
Here’s wishing you good sleep from here on forward!
Thanks Kelly — I enjoyed the article you wrote yesterday on the same topic (sleep was apparently on a lot of people’s minds!). I really don’t like the term “sleep training” because it brings to mind the earplugs, shut doors, and unavailability that I find completely insensitive. The posts on Janet’s site have helped me understand that it’s possible to both be sensitive to a child’s needs and allow them to struggle, and that has helped me immensely.
Sometimes I feel like if I had more patience or more endurance my children wouldn’t need to struggle, but ultimately that’s a disservice to them. As with any relationship, it takes changes and growth by both parties to make it work.
My eldest went to bed at 6 as an infant, and I know how much and when she should be sleeping, but apparently her factory reset switch is broke
we went through a phase with our eldest when he was about 11-14 months where he didn’t want to go to bed and there was much crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth (and one very stressed dad cuz he’s a pushover when it comes to laying down the law and get very stressed by babies crying). I guess our 9 month old might need to go through it at a younger age. But I keep hoping once she feels better she’ll start sleeping well again.
Good luck finding a solution Jespren . . . here’s to hoping you get more sleep soon!
I’ve always been a co-sleeper and not a cry-it-outer. And sleeping was definitely easiest with the two who I wasn’t able to breastfeed. Mainly because I slept like a rock while my husband dealt with them
. But the last two, that’s a different story. After 4 very hard nights (hardest for me I think) our 3rd child learned to sleep by herself on the crib mattress on the floor next to our bed. Lots of crying, and then she got it. Isaiah, however, is not having it. He’ll cry himself to sleep without a bottle (I had to wean him because all he wanted to do was nurse all night long, but not during the day) because I think he’s drinking too much at night. But at night, he’s up and stays up and won’t go to sleep until he’s fed something. Ahhh! Sorry, had to vent. I hear you. I’m glad that you’ve found help. I’ll be checking it out. Hugs.
Nina, good luck . . . I’ve struggled so much with sleep and discipline and philosophies and techniques. It’s so hard to find something that both feels right and is effective. Let me know how it goes!
Oh my gosh. Last night was amazing!!! I told the older kids “it’s not ok to get in my bed tonight” (my husband was on shift). Then I put the baby to bed and decided I would give him a bottle when he woke up at 11:30 (you can set a clock to this kid) but I wasn’t going to pick him up or put him in my bed. Well, he fussed at 10:30 and I hummed part of a lullaby to let him know I was there and he fell back asleep. When he woke up at 11:30 I let him have his milk and then put him back to bed. He fussed for a while but fell asleep. At 3 he woke up crying. I went and told him it was ok and that I was there but he needed to stay in his bed. I put him down on his tummy and rubbed his back for a minute until he fell asleep. He woke up when I got in bed but I just hummed the same lullaby for a couple minutes. He fell asleep and slept in his bed until 8:15!!! Awesome! And the other kids stayed asleep in their beds all night long. Oh, it was so great, albeit a little chilly sleeping alone.
Nina, that’s fantastic! You’ll have to let me know how it’s gone since then. We’ve definitely had some ups and downs. Don’t you just love how resilient children are (and our bonds to them?)
Thanks so much for posting this!! I haven’t read the info from the RIE site yet, but plan on it at nap time today. My daughter (19 months) sounds exactly like your son in the sleep department. Excited to maybe learn some new tools!
Thanks Hollie! Let me know how it goes
We’re still working on it, but we’re getting there . . .
I really love how you point out that his cries are that of struggling and not suffering. I think that is key in determining when your child is ready to try soothing himself to sleep.
How is everything going now?
Nighttimes are much, much better for us now. There are still nighttime wake-ups from both the boys, but I can pretty reliably get at least one 4-5 hour stretch of sleep, which is very, very important to me (and I think pretty decent between a 27 mo-old and a 10 mo-old). If there are more wakeups than that, it generally indicates someone isn’t feeling well, which is another benefit of having a routine — it gives me very clear markers when something is out of the ordinary.
The best part of the change is our regular evening-time. The boys go to bed easily now, both by 7pm, and that gives me and my husband time to unwind separately and still have time to spend together (and then apart again if we want). It’s helped everyones relationships, and the time to myself has been a lifesaver. Thank you for asking!
http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/08/should-i-be-embarrassed-about-this.html This article helped me think about the child’s needs. They don’t have the experience to know that the monster in the dark isn’t going to eat them. Most co-sleepers that I know have kids in their bed until they are at least 6. This does seem like a hard subject to find a mutually agreeable solution so that no one is unhappy. It is possible. Keep in mind that both people’s needs are equally important. Just because we are bigger and older doesn’t make our needs more important.
{ 3 trackbacks }