When I woke up this morning, I laid in bed for a few minutes and enjoyed the quiet.
If this sounds unusual for a woman with a toddler and a baby, it is. Very unusual.
Especially in our house. Especially after 6AM.
It was a treat, but it wasn’t because I took a vacation by myself. I was at home, with my husband and children, and it was quiet at 6:30, with the sun up. It was a little slice of heaven I haven’t enjoyed in more than two years.
I’ve learned a lot about sleep in the last few weeks, motivated by the incessant 4:30 wake-ups of my younger son, and the co-sleeping arrangement that was no longer working for us.
I’ve been a zombie — irritable, cranky, frustrated and just plain tired. Being up with the boys at night meant I wasn’t fully with them during the day. It meant some days I just flipped on the television because I couldn’t think of anything else to do. My house has been such a mess I’ve been embarrassed to have anyone come over. We needed a change.
So for the New Year I decided I needed to respect myself more. I deserve better than living in a home that looked like a hurricane hit. My children deserve better than a mother who wasn’t fully present with them, and my husband deserves a wife who’s not just going through the motions.
I knew I had to start with sleep.
As an AP mother, I didn’t want to go to Babywise or Ferber. I have to be honest and say I haven’t read them, but from what I know they didn’t sound like they were philosophies for me.
I’ve learned more about RIE, and it has opened a new world for me.
I’ve embraced attachment parenting because I love the respect it teaches, and how it encourages us to bring our children to be part of the world with us. RIE teaches a similar philosophy, but looks at a different angle — focusing on boundaries and how to create them and implement them respectfully, both for parents and children.
This is what I needed.
I wrote earlier in the week about how I was learning how to toughen up (which I have), but I’ve been amazed that the result is not insensitivity, but a heightened sensitivity of my children’s needs. By giving them an opportunity to be upset and learn how they act when they’re struggling with something, I’ve become more in tune with what they’re saying. I’ve become a better listener.
This has yeilded amazing results with my 8-month-old. He now goes down to sleep quickly, after I tell him it’s time for bed, and how much I’m looking forward to seeing him in the morning. When he wakes at night, I listen. The first few nights, I could tell he wasn’t able to get back to sleep himself, so I went in to talk to him, hold him, and reassure him. We built more trust in each other, as I became more confident that he could do it on his own, and he was confident that I would be there if he needed me. Last night when he woke, he was able to quickly get back to sleep on his own without assistance from me. It wasn’t just a breakthrough in sleep, but a breakthrough in our relationship.
I’m making progress with my 2-year-old as well. He still struggles with falling asleep on his own in his room, and he hasn’t slept through the night there. But every night I learn more about what he needs, and he learns more too. After some terrible crying, and another attempt to put him back in his bed, I decided to hold him, tell him that I could see how much he was struggling and understood it was difficult but had confidence he could do it on his own. Then I asked him to go back to bed and fall asleep. So he did.
No more fussing, no more crying. Just turned around and went to bed.
He came in early this morning, but that’s ok. We’re building a relationship, not working on a deadline.
And that’s why I had such peace-of-mind when I woke to quiet this morning. The peace in my house isn’t coming at the expense of respect, it’s coming because of respect.
I resisted sleep-training for a long time because I’d never heard of a way that it could be done without tearing relationships down and violating trust. From what I’ve learned from RIE, though, I’ve found that setting boundaries and enforcing them can be used to create stronger relationships. And more sleep. How great is that??!
Photo Credit: sunday morning by Pedro Klien, on Flickr
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks Lori Ann . . . I haven’t written about discipline in a while, so I’ll have to go back and review my older posts to see what they say! I’ve learned so much since I started writing, I’m a bit nervous about my early reflections on discipline. I hope you find things that are useful for you, though! You’ve inspired me to compile a list of my discipline books . . . so people can buy them if they want, and at least know what’s helping me find my way.
Sounds great! How did you hear about RIE? Did you take one of their classes? I know exactly what you mean when you say your house is too messy to have people over. Mine gets like that too…I know when I stop answering the door that it’s time to do something about it! I am lucky that Zach sleeps relatively well. My only excuse for the mess is that he’s like a hurricane and messes it up as fast as I can clean it and my husband is no help with the cleaning.
I honestly believe children NEED boundries. Giving them boundries and showing them thier mother is a person to be respected as an individual (and has her own needs/expectations) is very important. This is how the real world works and not providing that for them is doing them a dis-service. Nothing is black and white, it’s important to keep learning and evolving! Good for you!
Regan, I first heard about RIE on People magazine! I can’t remember why they mentioned it, but I stumbled on it when I was getting my occasional celebrity fix
They said something about it being a celebrity thing, and they preached stuff like telling your baby when you’re going to pick them up and not taking the kids on errands with you. This is true, but respect is what it’s really about. I wish I was able to take a class — but I’ll just do with books in the meantime.
Thanks Darcie! I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
I’ll have to check this out. My 9-month old is beginning to show me that she needs some boundaries, but I don’t know how to set and gently enforce them. I’ll be reading through your effective discipline posts.
I recently made a similar decision. All the same symptoms. Messy house, TV on, zombified. Co-sleeping was great at first. I really enjoyed being able to nurse him back to sleep and waking up to his smiling face. Over time, though, it stopped being the best sleeping situation for our family. My son was waking roughly 6 times a night. I had to make the transition slowly (for both of us) but he was really receptive to the change. We had one night (the third night he was in a crib) that we had a hard time, but I stayed in his room with him and sang to him and eventually he fell asleep. We haven’t had a bad night since. He sleeps through the night, soundly, and is happy and rested when he wakes in the morning.
Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel a lot better about ending our co-sleeping habit a bit early. (Ezra is 10 months.)
Janet, I enjoyed the post you mentioned . . . I’m about to write another one on how RIE’s guidelines are helping me learn new discipline skills. I’m looking forward to reading new posts on similar subjects as well!
Chelsea, that makes me feel so much better. Peer pressure is a powerful thing, and I’m sometimes very hesitant to come out and say I’m doing things a little differently. For many of us 9 or 10 months of co-sleeping seems like a short amount of time, but to others I’m sure it’s shockingly long. I really, really enjoyed sleeping close to both my babies, but I’m also now really, really enjoying my bed and my nights (mostly) back. It makes the morning cuddles that much sweeter
This is such a timely article for me. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to another way. We are just about to transition our 4 month old to her crib. I have been having the debate with myself on when to move, only because I disagree with the Ferber methodology and have been looking for an alternative to not only justify my outlook but give guidance on how to achieve this milestone with ease. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your continuous guidance. It is appreciated!
Wow, this is very inspiring! We moved out of cosleeping for similar reasons. The RIE philosophy sounds really interesting and similar to my beliefs. What book are you reading and does it help with toddlers/preschoolers? Most of their stuff seems focused on infants, but perhaps it applies to all kids?
Sara, I’m so glad you said that. I’ve noticed there isn’t a lot of guidance that’s “in-between” — it seems that it’s either CIO or keep your baby with you, and I think many parents wish there was something else. I’m a little nervous when you say “easy” though, because it wasn’t exactly that . . . it was made easier because I was really, really ready to sleep more, and my son was 8-months old, and I’d co-slept with his older brother for more than 2 years. It’s still hard to listen to your child cry, even though you’re learning more about them and you see progress. Don’t get discouraged if it goes slower than you expected or is tougher than you might have thought. Good luck — let me know how it all works out.
Kristin, thanks so much for letting me know. When I read your blog you seem very committed to AP, and I somewhat feel I’m letting down the AP community by not continuing to co-sleep (ridiculous, I know). RIE does have a lot of focus on infants, but Janet Lansbury’s blog (www.janetlansbury.com) talks a bit about toddlers, and I believe she has links to other sites that discuss toddlers as well. If nothing else, I think the principles of respect and observation before reaction work well at any age.
Suchada, I am so glad you’re finding some good guidance through RIE. The tools I found there 18 years ago now (!) have been the best thing that ever happened to me. They not only helped me become a successful, far less stressed and confused parent, they gave me clarity about all my relationships, myself, life in general.
My post on discipline has been by far my most popular: “No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame”. And I’m writing another as we speak in response to a mom’s question about when and how discipline begins.
Thank you again for sharing your journey.
Holy judgments batman!
Elena, I appreciate your feedback, but it’s awfully presumptuous to say mothers who have difficulty with sleep are doing something wrong with their routine or their nutrition. None of us are perfect, but we’re all just doing the best we can.
I’m going to take issue with the rationalization statement, because allowing crying (while communicating with your children) and shutting a door, putting in earplugs, and walking away are two different things. It’s hard enough to be a parent without judgment from other moms who don’t agree with our parenting choices. Best of luck in your search for sleep — I think it’s probably best that you’re looking elsewhere.
Good luck to you all, mamas. I have a toddler and an infant and sleeping in general is a big issue in our home when our toddler doesn’t get to be outside during the day and run around. It is tough to be sleep deprived, but I just don’t see how I can rationalize letting either one of my babies cry it out and finally give up because I have decided to put a different label on crying, – “struggling” vs. “suffering”… Both sound rather un-necessary to me when it comes to bedtime. I think I will support more worthwhile struggles in my children’s lives. I believe that nutrition, just like day time activity, plays a big role in how we (babies and adults alike) handle stress, sleep and sleep deprivation as well. Will keep searching for a kinder way of teaching my toddler to go to bed without tears. Thanks.
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