baby playing with toys
This weekend my family traveled to Los Angeles so I could attend the 22nd Annual RIE conference. We stayed with friends — a couple about my parents age who recently had their first grandchild, and who love children.
They had a stash of toys they were saving for their new granddaughter, and graciously brought them out to let my boys play with them. I saw my older son’s eyes light up as he spotted a wooden tool set, complete with an oversized screwdriver, wrench, and hammer, as well as nails, nuts & bolts, and erector-set type pieces.
As our friend opened it for him, he took out each piece, told my son what it was, and showed him how to use it. He guided his hands to turn the screwdriver, helped him fit the wrench over the nuts, and carefully moved his hands out of the way so he wouldn’t accidentally hit a thumb.
It was an interaction I watched with interest — a grandfather lovingly and patiently showing a grandson how to use tools — because it’s very different than the interactions I have with my children.
Since I was exposed to RIE, I’ve taken Magda Gerber’s motto, “Observe more, do less”, to heart.
When I give my children toys, I open it up and give it to them, then step back to let them explore.
I’ve stopped showing them how to use toys, and instead used the time to watch them learn and discover. Honestly, I didn’t realize what a profound change it was until I had the opportunity to see the old way.
Now, don’t get me wrong — it wasn’t terrible. In fact, I thought it was quite sweet. We don’t live near many relatives, and it was a rare opportunity for my boys to have one-on-one time with someone other than my husband and me.
But the interaction was more adult-oriented, and helped me learn more about my friend than it did my children.
And I felt a sense of loss.
In the last few months since I incorporated the RIE philosophy into our home, the time I spend with my boys has been pure joy. Instead of plodding through the days taking care of chores and trying to keep the peace, I’ve felt the freedom to do what I need to do (secure in knowing my children are capable of entertaining themselves), and also relishing the dedicated “want nothing” time I spend with them.
This “want nothing” time (a phrase also coined by Magda Gerber) is time for me to simply observe my children, and a time that allows me to get to know them. We play with whatever the want, sing songs, read books, or just sit quietly. It’s my time to see their personalities, become familiar with their mannerisms, and learn how they they view the world.
Because it’s time that nothing is required of me except to be with them, I don’t feel the stress of figuring out how to entertain them or having to perform. We can just be, and it’s become moments that I look forward to every day.
I was surprised at how much of a loss I felt when my son didn’t have an opportunity to to discover the tool kit on his own. It wasn’t an appropriate time to intervene — there was plenty of discovery in this out-of-ordinary moment anyway, but it reinforced how important it is for me to give the boys lots of time to explore on their own.
I thought this exploration gave them the joy of discovery, but it’s really a gift to me, too.
Photo Credit: abbybatchelder on Flickr
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
You’re right! That really is a gift for you too. I try to use the same philosophy with Baby and his toys and playtime, but I hadn’t thought about how it is a gift for me too until now. Thanks for the new perspective!
You’re welcome! Honestly, I didn’t even realize it until we had a chance to do it another way, and it really hit me how much I enjoy just watching them. Today I took my kiddos to the playground, and my younger son (12 months!) climbed up the stairs and went down the slide — on his bottom! It took him a while, but watching him move step by step, and seeing how he assessed his next move . . . it was priceless! I don’t ever want to miss out on those moments. Definitely the best time I spend with my kids . . .
First, parents interact differently with their children than grandparents do. Many grandparents find sitting on the floor playing with their grandchildren is a great way to interact with them. It is one way of discovering who the child is and to have conversations with them. It is a way to meet them on their level. It is not to entertain them, but a way to play with them.
With all philosophies there are many ways of thinking. I think there needs to be a balance between discovery, instruction, and guidance. Discovery is an important part of the education of children. That is why project-based charter schools are very popular. Studies have also shown children learn from their peers. Group projects and learning centers are popular in schools for that reason. While self discovery is important, direct instruction is also important. Think about when you learned how to cook. Mom did not just let you loose in the kitchen without first giving you some basic instruction on the safety of using the stove or knives. Once you had some instruction in measuring, following a recipe, chopping, grating, etc., you were free to be as creative as you wanted. You soon learned what worked together to create tasty treats. The same could be said about a child using a crayon or pencil. They would scribble for a while before inventing a letter. Yes, they can copy a letter, but most children need direct instruction on how to form letters, the sounds letters make, blends, and how letters form words. You would also never toss a child into a deep end of a pool and hope they would discover how to swim. Some form of direct instruction is needed before the child can discover creative water play. Most of the great artists had art lessons before they created their masterpieces. Not all play requires explanation, but sometimes it helps the child to be more creative quickly and lowers the frustration level if he knows what the tools/brushes/crayons/kitchen utensils can be used for. It gives children the confidence they need to be creative with whatever they are working with.
@Teacher, I had to think for a long time before I replied (and it was delayed further by my little one getting sick today). Your comment was very thought-provoking, and I agree with how Janet responded (both times). I have to add that I could have also written a post on the many reasons why I didn’t step in — which is simply because I thought the interaction was wonderful in it’s own way. I chose to write about my side of it because to me the experience of stepping back and watching my child discover on his own is something new and magical, and something I don’t think I had many opportunities for when I was a child. Writing this post was meant to be a reminder to me why I let my son explore rather than a negative reflection on our friend. And honestly, I hope it wasn’t a negative reflection. What my son and I both learned about our friend is that he’s kind, patient, generous with his time, knowledgeable, and eager to share his experiences. What I probably didn’t emphasize enough in the post is that stepping back and letting children explore doesn’t just apply to new toys — it also applies to new situations. I’m not going to be there with my son for every interaction he has in his life, and I want him to learn the positives of doing things a different way. If I had jumped in, he wouldn’t have gotten to know our friend as he did, and it would have been much more of a loss for him than my missing his joy of discovery with one toy.
@teacher, I agree with your point about direct instruction for a school age child, but not for infants, toddlers and even preschoolers unless it is in direct response to a child’s request. Tasks like cooking, gardening and housecleaning are things a young child might benefit from being taught. Playing, drawing, molding clay, reading, writing, etc., are best left to the child to lead, in my opinion (although grandparents and parents can still watch with engagement, respond encouragingly, describe and enjoy!) But when adults lead in those areas it is as Suchada observed: ” the interaction was more adult-oriented, and helped me learn more about my friend than it did my children.”
Of course you wouldn’t throw a child into a pool. But if you teach a child to swim before his is developmentally ready to receive the instruction, the child still doesn’t swim (and you would never dream of leaving him alone near water anyway) but has wasted a lot of time being “taught” rather than really learning anything. On top of that, he is less interested in — perhaps even turned-off to swimming because he believes he has to follow specific instructions, do prescribed things and be judged by adults rather than explore and enjoy the water (with parents next to him for safety, of course).
The first years are a sensitive, impressionable, highly creative time. An adult’s drawing lessons teach children to draw the way the adult does, or give up and let the adult do it (as often happens because our superior abilities are overwhelming). A young Picasso will not be discouraged, but the normal child who just might benefit from drawing as a creative outlet probably will be. A child learns to believe that he is not creative, can’t paint, draw or mold, isn’t good at reading. I’ve seen this many, many times.
Yes, grandparents and parents should interact with babies while they play, and if grandparents want to take the lead and teach occasionally for mutual enjoyment, there’s certainly no harm in that. But as Suchada has discovered, babies and parents thrive best when the baby leads at playtime. What parent doesn’t want a child who can self-entertain? But when we instruct babies we hinder this ability. One of my favorite Magda Gerber expressions is, “Be careful what you teach the child, you may interfere with what he is learning.” And another one: “Readiness is when they do it.”
I appreciate your views on self discovery. Studies have also shown that modeling is one of the best ways for children to learn. You can model both verbally and non-verbally. Sometimes our non-verbal actions speak louder than our direct instruction. I think with all skills, there is a time and place for different modalities of instruction. Each child learns differently. As a parent I loved it when I saw my children figure something out all by themselves. As a teacher I loved it when you see the children solve a problem, make an inference, or discover a theme in a reading passage. My goal has always been for children to be independent learners. Both at home and in the classroom, children need to be self-starters, work well with others, have initiative, and be problem solvers. I think the gentleman in the experience was just showing the child how to use the tool and after that the child could do whatever he wanted. The key there was the interaction between adult and child. I do not think that should have taken away either the child or parent’s joy of discovery.
“The key there was the interaction between adult and child.” I totally agree! It was a lovely interaction, very well-intentioned, and it sounds like Suchada appreciated it. This is an example of the way that most of us know to interact with children. But Suchada has been inspired to share another way — one that takes a little more patience and trust. It’s about waiting to see what the child can do on his own (which is usually much more than we expect) before showing him what to do. It can be fascinating and even a little bit magical. It may not be a “better” way in everyone’s eyes, but it’s worth trying.
hi suchada!
we met briefly at the conference and i’m so happy to visit your site.
i can relate. once you realize that teaching a kid how to do something is actually robbing them of the experience to explore, learn, discover and master on their own—it can be hard to watch (though you kindly say it more gently.) and certainly interactions here and there with a grandparent are fine, but when it comes from a parent or primary caregiver on a daily basis it can have a significant impact. Kids become less curious and confident and turn to adults to show them how to do things.
I was at the park yesterday and a father could not let his 3 year old be. “Fill up the bucket. good job! now pat the sand with your shovel. Good. Now dump it over. Good job!” His kid was merely a puppet. And the kid knew enough to do exactly as his dad said, or there would be a price to pay (i witnessed two time outs in the span of five minutes over the child not complying immediately.) I felt so sad for the child. He was so suffocated by his dad. And the dad, of course, thought he was helping his child learn the “right” way to play in the sand…as if it wouldn’t come naturally.
I had to move myself to another side of the sand box!
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