The evolving relationship between mother and baby
Today I finally put together photo albums for my boys — simple books that start with their ultrasound images, have their birth announcements, and then have a photo or two from every month of their life. It was so nostalgic to look back and it got me thinking about how much has changed.
In the three-and-a-half years since my oldest son was born, I’ve grown so much as a mother. I thought I knew what I was doing (and I did have the basics of my parenting style down — natural birth, breastfeeding, lots of bonding), but I had so much to learn (and still do!).
For all the books I’ve read, mentors I’ve consulted, and trial-and-error I’ve been through, three simple things have stuck out as improving myself as a parent and making my household calmer and more harmonious. If I could give any new mother advice, this is what I would tell her:
1. Learn how to say no. Understanding the importance of boundaries and learning how to say no gently but firmly has been the most life-changing aspect of parenting. When I look back on my entire existence, I realized I never knew how to respectfully tell people what I was comfortable with and what I was not. As a result, I usually became resentful because I was pushed too far, or I damaged relationships when I harshly defended my personal boundaries. Not until I discovered Janet Lansbury’s RIE blog did I realize I could say “no” without being mean.
This set me up to remain calm when my children had needs I couldn’t immediately address — like being hungry when we were five minutes away from home — and also differentiate between their wants and needs. Suddenly there wasn’t a fight between my own needs and theirs (like with sleep) — I could think rationally about problems and work on solutions with them to solve them, without any of it being an all-or-nothing thing.
2. Simplify your belongings, your routines, and your existence. Once I learned how to set boundaries, I knew I wanted to use this newfound power to create more Zen in my life. I often felt like I was living in chaos, and this was when I had one child, didn’t have an outside job, and hadn’t even started blogging. It almost makes me laugh to think of how simple life was then!
Over the last three years, my husband and I have worked hard to downsize to fit into our existing life. We’ve taken bags (and bags, and more bags) to Goodwill, pored over our finances, and thought carefully about what we do and why we do it. The last few weeks since I read Simplicity Parenting have brought renewed vigor to my efforts, and we cleaned out even more toys, the garage, the office/living room, the guest room, and are eager to work on our own bedroom and the kitchen (the LAST TWO rooms!!!) Oh! The breath of fresh air it is to open the door after a long day of work and walk into a clean house! It is amazing!
Our routines have taken a similar pruning. We plan what we can and communicate everything else with each other and the boys, and suddenly our days seem to go like clockwork. It’s not that we don’t have days when we’re just too darn tired to cook and we end up getting takeout instead, it’s just that it doesn’t seem like the default anymore because we couldn’t think of anything else to do. Even our bedtime routine (after dinner: a walk, bath, stories, cuddles, then good-night. The boys stay up and play for a while before falling asleep, but they’re generally upstairs and we have time to ourselves after 7) is greatly simplified, and our evenings are a time to unwind rather than stress about getting everyone asleep.
3. Improve your marriage/partnerships/support relationships. I’ve written a little bit about the difficulty my husband and I had in our relationship, and I’m glad we took the time to put ourselves back together after we realized how much was broken. Strengthening our relationship has not only made our home life better overall (obviously), but it’s made me a better parent. Trusting my husband allows me to take the time I need to take care of myself, and our improved communication means that we’re both able to express what we need and negotiate getting it.
All parents have support systems to help care for children, and even if it’s not in the context of a family — whether it’s a daycare provider or babysitter or whatever — having a strong relationship with the adults and role models in your children’s life has to be one of the best gifts you can give them. It demonstrates how relationships can evolve and persevere, even through difficult times.
What I love most about these three things are they are things I will constantly work on and improve. I will never be done figuring out boundaries or improving the way I set limits, because it’s all about the relationship. I will never be done simplifying my life, because my needs and the needs of my family are always changing. And I will never be done improving my relationship with my husband, because we’re both growing as people and we’ll never be done getting to know each other.
These three things will be a constant challenge, but something that can grow with any parent, in any situation, and make our relationships better along the way.
Photo credit: zoetnet on Flickr
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